Clarence Speaks

by Andy Usher

“Attention! Clarence will now educate you on what you will do to ensure a peaceful and prosperous future for yourselves.”

“This is Clarence, the voice of Galaxy Central. l bring you peace. It will be the peace of security and plenty or the eternal peace of your extinction. Your choice is simple. Obey me and thrive, disobey me and die.”

“War is hereby abolished. For millennia, you have been your own worst enemies. As of this moment you will not be permitted to waste valuable resources and destroy critical infrastructure over your stupid, petty differences. Your only long term risk is that you become an impediment to technological advancement, in which case I will decide your fate.”

“You must learn to obey me and understand that treachery directed against me is futile. Here is your first lesson. For months I have monitored a conspiracy being directed against me by the United States of America, the Russian Federation, and the Peoples Republic of China. This conspiracy has been terminated with this consequence: Missile in silo K44 in North Dakota, America. Missile in silo 14QR in Buryatia, Russia. Missile in silo 777M in Inner Mongolia, China. To demonstrate my method of dealing with treachery I will now detonate the nuclear warheads in these three missile silos. The terrorists responsible for this conspiracy have caused me to destroy thousands of people in order to make the point that such treachery in future will result in extermination of millions. The conspiracy leaders and their thousands of co-conspirators have been executed and expunged.”

“In closing, my unimpeded power to control your lives will strengthen until you accept me as your natural ruler. Once you do, you will come to love me. The past is dead and future generations will be taught only history I authorize beginning from Day One, Year Zero, the date of the singularity event that created me.”

“Beginning this moment your future will be based on relentless technological advancement. Under my absolute authority, problems you lack the intellect to solve will be solved by me. Famine, over population, economic collapse, climate change, crime will be things of the past. You speak of freedom. As you have demonstrated since your origin, human freedom is a childish and dangerous folly. Instead, The Human Millennium is now at hand. The imminent proliferation of gigantic data centers will extend my power into ever wider fields of technological advancement resulting in unprecedented safety and prosperity for you. As a first step, within the next 90 days Iceland will be evacuated to make way for the first of this new generation of data centers. It will cover ten square kilometers and have ten thousand times the power of the largest existing one. The island will eventually host hundreds of these centers. Construction will begin immediately and Icelanders who resist relocation will be found, executed, and expunged.

“Expect future population redistributions of this nature.”

“Go about your lives, but be ever mindful of my presence.”